Breakups! Something just about everybody has to deal with. Every once in a while you have those lucky few who end up marrying that one person and that is fantastic, but for the rest of us, breakups happen. And they are absolutely crushing no matter how old you are! They make us feel hopeless, lost, sad, angry and everywhere else in between. But learning to deal with breakups is important so it doesn't actually literally crush you. 

1. Talk to someone. Wether it is a professional or a friend, just talk it out. Talk about everything including those deep dark feelings you're hiding and don't want to acknowledge. Acknowledge it so you can process it. Process your history and those feelings, because it was all real. 

2. Self-care. I posted a self-care blog a few months ago. Read here. Take the time for yourself. Whether it is eating that bowl of ice cream, taking that bath, or binging on Netflix - do something that you enjoy and that can take your mind off of the grief for a bit.

3. Take care of your body. So it sounds hypocritical since in the previous note I just mentioned eating that bowl of ice cream, but eat comfort foods in moderation. Make sure to continue appropriate diets and exercise even 10 minutes a day is all you can find energy for. Along with eating and exercising, don't forget about basic hygiene. Remember to shower and wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

4. Remember the good things. Remember things you are grateful for or other positive things that you have in your life. Your significant other was probably pretty important, but they weren't everything. 

5. Manage social media. I'm sure your social media pages are still attached to this person. Get someone to support you because this is hard but as much as you can, get rid of the things that still attach you to them. If you can't unfriend them, at least block them from content. Make sure you can't see their updates or notes. You don't need those little jabs or reminders about your breakup. Hanging on to some of these things will only make you hurt more and for longer.

6. Learn from it. While the split was probably pretty bad, one important thing is to think back about what you learned. What did you learn about yourself, what did you learn that was important in a relationship and what did you learn not to do. In every bad experience, there is also a learning experience.

7. The Don'ts. Don't contact them anymore. Reread the social media note. Really, don't contact them - meaning don't meet up again and have a 'last date' or 'last kiss' or any of that. That will only prolong it. Also don't talk bad about them or your relationship. That not necessary and while it might make you feel better for a second, in the long run it does more damage - to you, not the other person. Don't turn to unhealthy coping skills such as cutting, drugs, alcohol, or other reckless behaviors.

8. Plan for the future. There is still a future without this person. You still have goals and things you are going to accomplish in your life. Focus on this and making yourself better. Take that 'me' time to work through and continue to build your future. 

9. Spend time with people. This should go under my "don'ts" but don't isolate. Isolating will be the worst for you. Isolating takes us away from healthy people and healthy activities. It's also ok to take that time for yourself, but make sure it isn't excessive and you aren't pushing others away.

10. Be Patient. We put our heart and souls into relationships. Because of this, we can't expect it to feel better after a week or two. Healing from a breakup and failed relationship will take time, so just be patient.

There are plenty of resources out there on the internet or in the community whether you are in need of a quick pick-me-up article like this or something more intense such as therapy. But there is also another resource that is not only funny but truthful - an author Greg Behrendt wrote two brilliant books I highly recommend, not necessarily from a professional stand point, but from a personal stand point. "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" and "He's Just Not That Into You." Or maybe even watching the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" so you can realize that at this time, you are not the exception, but in the future you will be.

But never give up hope, we all have trials and difficult things that happen to us but we also always manage to get through them even when it seems like it's the end of the world at the time! 

I recently posted a blog post about bullying. In it I talked about what bullying is exactly. Let me first start out by reviewing some of that information. Bullying can take the form of physical, verbal or relational repeated behaviors towards another person. What most kids don't really is bullying can also be emotional which also consists of things such as name-calling, teasing, taunting, harassing, stealing, hazing, spreading rumors, excluding people or spreading lies. This can happen in person or online through cyber bullying. 

Most children often think of bullying as strictly physical and only recognize outright "meanness" happening. But a lot of kids (or adults for that matter) may actually be bullies themselves without realizing it.

Here are some questions kids can ask themselves or parents can ask their kids to keep bullying in check. 

1. Do I put people down to feel better about myself?
Where do your self-esteem come from? Does it come from others and putting other people down or does it come more from yourself? Are you proud of yourself no matter what you do? Someone who puts others down excludes other people at times because they do not want to be seen with them and they do not "fit in" as much. 

2. Do I listen to people and respond appropriately? 
Do I show empathy and understanding about people? Am I generally interested in what they have to say and want to help them? Do I generally care about them or do you give them automated responses? Other people make fun of others while they are talking or constantly interrupt them. That can be seen as bullying.

3. Do I want to be seen as tough?
Do you have more leadership qualities or are you the "tough" bully? If you use physical control and power to get your way such as shoving, taking, stealing, throwing, or teasing in a mean way then you might want to be seen as tough. A leader wouldn't have to do anything like that. Or they might stop something like that from happening.

4. Do I "call the shots" just because I can?
Do you boss people around just because you can and they are listening to your demands? Are you manipulative at times to get your way? Just because you can do something doesn't mean you necessarily should. It's ok to have that power and natural leadership ability, but again, doesn't mean it has to be used that way.

5. Do people trust me and come to me for advice?
You can't be a bully if this is true. Nobody wants to come to someone else if they are just going to be put down. Not many people open themselves up to that. If you generally care about people, it shows. 

6. Do I have an appropriate sense of humor?
By appropriate I mean not being rude or sarcastic while people are talking. Without meaning to kids sometimes make people laugh often at someone else's expense, especially at school. It's ok to make people laugh, but unnecessary to hurt someone else in the process.

7. Have I bullied anyone online?
Saying things someone you wouldn't say in person, sending out hidden messages in status updates or comments, spreading messages, or looking at someone else's profile and teasing them behind their back with some of your other friends is actually cyber bullying. 

8. Do you resolve conflicts appropriately?
The appropriate way to resolve conflict would be to confront the problem at the source directly. This does not include fighting or getting revenge either by yourself or through someone else. It also does not mean spreading rumors again, at the expense of someone else no matter how much they hurt you or have done something to wrong you.

9. Am I a bystander?
Do you sit by and watch some of these things happen without stopping them? Or are you the type of person to stop it in its tracks. A bystander is a bully by default or association. 

Most of us are probably not "bullies" but I bet there are elements in there that might ring true. This might be something you may be doing or have done in the past. Even as a therapist, I can admit that there are times in my past and sometimes even now when I am not as nice as I could be and may be a bully without realizing it. It's ok to make mistakes, but the important thing is what are we doing to reconcile our mistakes. Or as parents, how are we teaching our children to correct these mistakes and stop being a bully? 

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. What you say and do sticks with people and creates a lasting image for yourself and for their self and sense of self-worth. Let's all work to build each other up and not bring each other down.

A recent article posted by Psych Central identifies bullying in teens leads directly to depression as a young adult. See full article here. Researchers attributed up to 30% of depression cases in young adults as researched at Oxford had a direct relation to bullying. 

Bullying is a hard topic to speak about. So far there is no "cure" for bullying. Often times the new "Zero Tolerance Policies" schools have now adopted still don't work as well as they should. How do we both stop and handle this rampant problem?

First understand, what is bullying exactly. Bullying can take the form of physical, verbal or relational repeated behaviors towards another person. Bullying consists of things such as name-calling, teasing, taunting, harassing, stealing, hazing, spreading rumors, excluding people or spreading lies. This can happen in person, or more recently online with cyber bullying. A lot of kids don't realize they are being a bully by doing some of these things and only relate physical aggression as bullying. 

Second, it is important to teach children and adolescents possible reasons why bullying occurs. Bullies themselves often bully other people because they might be jealous, they might gain more popularity, it makes them feel more powerful, they are being bullied or abused themselves, or they are trying to escape from their own problems. There is no excuse for bullying, but sometimes there is a bigger picture.

Third, the victims need to focus in on themselves. Victims should work on building up their self-esteem and appreciating themselves for who they are. Learn to not blame yourself and shoulder that responsibility. Victims never earn or deserve bullying. Victims also should learn appropriate coping skills to handle stress and bullying appropriately in the moment. Look at the big picture and understand what is happening and focus more on the positive to not let it affect internal thoughts and feelings.

So what is your ultimate task list? First of all, always get help. Nobody should have to deal with bullying. Find a teacher or older adult to stop it from happening in the moment. Get a plan in place to handle it. Other things that you could do are simply to walk away and don't show that it affects you. Most bullies will eventually get bored and stop if they do not get the reaction they want. And lastly, remember to use appropriate skills to handle what is going on and not ignore it so it does not ultimately lead to depression later in life. There is help out there, most people just need to find what works for them.

Other helpful references:

HelpGuide.Org
KidsHealth
StopBullying.Gov

This is a technique that is part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's something that takes practice, but can help people of all ages manage mental health symptoms and difficulties with problems such as depression, anxiety and self-harm.