With Halloween approaching I thought it might be appropriate to discuss the "masks" that we all tend to wear. We have several types of masks that we put on and switch out, normal and appropriate for certain environments but also some that might be hurtful to us. 

It's completely exhausting to pretend to be something you are not. One mask is when we are trying to be different than who we really are. I discussed this in my previous video blog. But there are a few other masks that I would like this blog to focus on. 

Masked happiness frequently covers up our sadness, anxiety, fears, and/or hopelessness. This is when our outside appearance and demeanor suggest that we are feeling happy and that things are going well. On the inside, our feelings are something entirely different and opposite. Another mask is that of anger or irritation that might also cover the same type of thing as well as our insecurities. Anger is a defense mechanism that prevents people from getting inside and likewise happiness can be just a facade of protection. 

It's hard to show our true selves and let others see our weaknesses. How will they respond? Will it be positive? Will it be more hurtful? Some of us might have experiences that have given us a bad example to go off of, and others are just afraid of what responses might happen.

The best way to start taking off our masks? Starting to process your emotions that are underneath and that you are hiding from others. Whether that might be in therapy, or possibly with one support person whom you feel you can start developing a trusting relationship with. Never let these emotions go without some type of processing because building up over time can lead to other more severe mental health issues or break downs.

You can also help others by being that one trusting person. Be who you want others to be for you. By doing that then hopefully you can even create a mutually trusting relationship between you and someone else. Be kind, be open, and be a good listener. 

"Masks" - Unknown Author

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks, and none of them are me.
Don’t be fooled. For God’s sake don’t be fooled. 
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game.
And that I need no one. But don’t believe me. 
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in aloneness, in fear. That’s why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows,
but such a glance is precisely my salvation. 
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing and that I’m just no good, and that you will reject me. 
And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you. I tell you everything that’s really nothing and
nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. 
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying.
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and “me.”
But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand. 
Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grown wings, feeble wings, but wings. 
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
you alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. 
It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back
but I’m told that Love is stronger than strong walls,
and in this lies my only hope. 
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. 
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet, and I am you, also. 

When I was researching quotes for the last blog I ran into another one:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi 

This quote reminded me of a simple tool that everyone can use to try to experience more happiness or change negative emotions into positive emotions.

In the past I have explained a little bit about cognitive behavioral therapy. Here is a different explanation that will also help you to manage moods, thoughts and behaviors as well. Below is a visual explanation.


















On top is our thoughts. Those are typically that is most noticeable when trying to understand what is going on. Our thoughts are so powerful and create a filter that affects how we see everything and as a result, how we feel. On the bottom of the triangle is feelings and behaviors, which again, are affected by our thoughts as well. Everything is all related to one another 

To put it all together here is an example that everyone might be able to relate to. You walk into a room by yourself and see everyone congregating in the corner and talking. When you walk closer the conversation stops. Two options are possible - One: Most people often jump to the conclusion that "They are talking about me. They are saying negative things about me. They don't like me. I should leave." Those are the automatic negative thoughts that often happen. The resulting feelings can be inferior, alone, afraid, and worthless. The behavior that can result is you stand there and not participate in the conversation or you might even listen to yourself leave. 

The second possibility is you can change the automatic negative thoughts that are happening. Instead of thinking negatively you can think something like this "They want to include me in the conversation. They were waiting for me. I can just jump in to this conversation too. I am happy to be here." The feelings from these thoughts are the exact opposite of what happened with the negative thoughts - happiness, excitement, and joy. The behavior that happens is probably smiling, engaging with other people and being outgoing. 

We have absolutely no evidence to support any of our negative thoughts, so the best way to go will always be positive so you don't have to miss our on a perfectly good opportunity! 

The best part about the triangle is that it can be flipped. Any side can be on top and any of the three parts can be changed in order to change your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Relating this back to the quote - you really do need all of them to be aligned in order to feel true happiness and be able to change your whole being to be more positive.  

All of us deal with many stressors on a daily basis. Some stressors are more difficult to handle than others. On occasion, we lose control and enter a downward spiral; our stress seems to be too much to handle. For those times when your stressors are overwhelming, here is an activity that will help you see you have more control than you think.

1. Get a sheet of paper

2. Draw a line down the middle of your paper

3. On the left side write a list of your stressors. Below are some examples.

a.     Finances
b.     Relationship difficulties
c.     Household tasks such as cooking, cleaning
d.     Work stress
e.     Health related issues
f.      Etc…

4. Look at your list and circle the ones that you can control

Not much to circle is there? Most people find that very few stressors are really within their control. A lot of our stressors happen and are completely out of our control.

5. On the right side of your paper write at least one coping skill/problem solving skills or ways you can handle each stressor you wrote on the left side. An example is below.

a.     Learn to budget, keep practicing, don't give up when if it doesn't work out the first time
b.     Set boundaries, walk away
c.     Make a plan or check list, take breaks
d.     Take breaks and get up to stretch
e.     Go to appointments, take medication as directed, relaxation tips
f.      Etc…

6. Now circle what you can control.

All of them right? The purpose of this exercise is to take control of your stress and understand that it doesn't have to be completely overwhelming. While the events may be out of your control, there are elements of each stressor you can control again.

Did this turn things back in your favor? Hopefully this gives you more power over your stressors and gives you a little more hope when dealing with stressful situations. I have personally completed this activity many times and feel a little more relieved each time about my stressors. Repeat this activity as often as you need because stressors change all the time as well as coping skills.

Take control of your stress, don’t let it control you!

And p.s. You CAN do it! 

This is a technique that is part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's something that takes practice, but can help people of all ages manage mental health symptoms and difficulties with problems such as depression, anxiety and self-harm.