Breakups! Something just about everybody has to deal with. Every once in a while you have those lucky few who end up marrying that one person and that is fantastic, but for the rest of us, breakups happen. And they are absolutely crushing no matter how old you are! They make us feel hopeless, lost, sad, angry and everywhere else in between. But learning to deal with breakups is important so it doesn't actually literally crush you. 

1. Talk to someone. Wether it is a professional or a friend, just talk it out. Talk about everything including those deep dark feelings you're hiding and don't want to acknowledge. Acknowledge it so you can process it. Process your history and those feelings, because it was all real. 

2. Self-care. I posted a self-care blog a few months ago. Read here. Take the time for yourself. Whether it is eating that bowl of ice cream, taking that bath, or binging on Netflix - do something that you enjoy and that can take your mind off of the grief for a bit.

3. Take care of your body. So it sounds hypocritical since in the previous note I just mentioned eating that bowl of ice cream, but eat comfort foods in moderation. Make sure to continue appropriate diets and exercise even 10 minutes a day is all you can find energy for. Along with eating and exercising, don't forget about basic hygiene. Remember to shower and wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

4. Remember the good things. Remember things you are grateful for or other positive things that you have in your life. Your significant other was probably pretty important, but they weren't everything. 

5. Manage social media. I'm sure your social media pages are still attached to this person. Get someone to support you because this is hard but as much as you can, get rid of the things that still attach you to them. If you can't unfriend them, at least block them from content. Make sure you can't see their updates or notes. You don't need those little jabs or reminders about your breakup. Hanging on to some of these things will only make you hurt more and for longer.

6. Learn from it. While the split was probably pretty bad, one important thing is to think back about what you learned. What did you learn about yourself, what did you learn that was important in a relationship and what did you learn not to do. In every bad experience, there is also a learning experience.

7. The Don'ts. Don't contact them anymore. Reread the social media note. Really, don't contact them - meaning don't meet up again and have a 'last date' or 'last kiss' or any of that. That will only prolong it. Also don't talk bad about them or your relationship. That not necessary and while it might make you feel better for a second, in the long run it does more damage - to you, not the other person. Don't turn to unhealthy coping skills such as cutting, drugs, alcohol, or other reckless behaviors.

8. Plan for the future. There is still a future without this person. You still have goals and things you are going to accomplish in your life. Focus on this and making yourself better. Take that 'me' time to work through and continue to build your future. 

9. Spend time with people. This should go under my "don'ts" but don't isolate. Isolating will be the worst for you. Isolating takes us away from healthy people and healthy activities. It's also ok to take that time for yourself, but make sure it isn't excessive and you aren't pushing others away.

10. Be Patient. We put our heart and souls into relationships. Because of this, we can't expect it to feel better after a week or two. Healing from a breakup and failed relationship will take time, so just be patient.

There are plenty of resources out there on the internet or in the community whether you are in need of a quick pick-me-up article like this or something more intense such as therapy. But there is also another resource that is not only funny but truthful - an author Greg Behrendt wrote two brilliant books I highly recommend, not necessarily from a professional stand point, but from a personal stand point. "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" and "He's Just Not That Into You." Or maybe even watching the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" so you can realize that at this time, you are not the exception, but in the future you will be.

But never give up hope, we all have trials and difficult things that happen to us but we also always manage to get through them even when it seems like it's the end of the world at the time! 

Due to our busy lives, the first thing that becomes neglected is our own self-care. We have to get up early, take our kids to this place, possibly go to work, come back home and continue to work by cooking dinner and cleaning the house. By the time this is done it's already time to go to bed and prepare for the next day! 

Results of skipping self-care. The less we take care of ourselves the easier it is to become stressed. Increased stress and/or fatigue leads to increased illnesses and sicknesses, headache, stomach problems, sleep difficulties, depression and anxiety.

What is self-care exactly? Self-care is making sure to take care of your physical, mental, emotional well-being. Physical self-care could be things such as getting sleep, eating appropriately, exercise, getting proper medical attention and go to check-ups. Emotional and mental self-care could be journaling, relaxing, helping and serving others, or doing something else that you truly enjoy. Other ways of self-care might be turning your cell phone off for a short period of time, say no if you feel you are stretched too thin, spend time with supportive and uplifting people, and spend more time on leisure activities.

How do I start to integrate this into my life? All self-care takes is about 15-30 minutes a day. I am sure that there are a few things that you could cut out of your day in order to start to take care of yourself. It's also important to remember that in order to take care of someone else, you have to take care of yourself first. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish and take care of number one first.

According to a statistic done by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), about 64% of people experience Holiday Blues at some point, 24% of them experience major Holiday Blues. It's ok to be that person! Just because it's the holidays, does not mean everything will be perfect. People experience Holiday Blues for several reasons: extra stress, loneliness because you are alone or unable to be with family, less sunlight, too much alcohol at parties, etc.

What are symptoms of Holiday Blues? It is very similar to depression, but more temporary. Symptoms can be fatigue, tension, frustration, feeling loneliness or isolation, sadness, a sense of loss, and a lack of energy. 

However short term, taking care of the Holiday Blues is incredibly important. Below is a list of 10 things you can do to manage your Holiday Blues.

1. Acknowledge your feelings! Don't ignore them.
1. Keep a regular routine.
2. Getting enough sleep.
3. Self-care and taking time for yourself whatever that may be.
4. Drink alcohol in moderation.
5. Exercise - such as taking a short walk.
6. Keep reasonable expectations for holiday activities like cooking, gifting, and partying.
7. Listen to music that boosts your mood.
8. Use relaxation techniques.
9. Reach out to appropriate supports that might be nearby or connect with those often that are too far.
10. Learn how to say no to things.

Useful links below:
Managing Holiday Blues - NAMI
Holiday Stress Management - Mayo Clinic
Holiday Blues - Huffington Post

I think this video is absolutely brilliant. I really couldn't have said it any better myself. No matter how "damaged" or "ruined" we are, our self-worth is always going to be the same. But sometimes it doesn't feel like that. There are times where everybody will experience a low self confidence or self-esteem. Here are just 5 easy steps to build your self confidence next time you are feeling down.

1. Make a list of your strengths. This is one of the hardest questions that I always have to ask people when they are at their lowest, but no doubt everyone is able to find at least one strength every time I ask. Identify at least one, and if you're having trouble finding more talk to a trusted support person and ask them what they think your strengths are.

2. Challenge your negative thoughts. Frequent negative thoughts are "Nobody likes me" or "I don't do anything right." Really? Nobody? Anything? Those are all absolutes and absolutely untrue. Go back to your list, find your strengths and then again, identify those trusted supports because they will be there as well.

3. Dress up or in clothes that make you feel good. Maybe it's not always about dressing up, but feeling comfortable. Do what it is that will make you comfortable in your own skin.

4. Do something that you enjoy. Take a break and focus on yourself. What is it that makes you happy? A TV show, reading, cooking, talking a walk? That 15 or more minutes that you spend on yourself will do you wonders.

5. Do  something nice for someone else. Believe it or not, turning our focus from ourselves to someone else is actually going to be the most helpful for you. It brings about true happiness and true feelings of self-worth. The joy of helping someone else cannot be faked and it is something that will last much longer than even some of the skills above.

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. —Lao Tzu

With Halloween approaching I thought it might be appropriate to discuss the "masks" that we all tend to wear. We have several types of masks that we put on and switch out, normal and appropriate for certain environments but also some that might be hurtful to us. 

It's completely exhausting to pretend to be something you are not. One mask is when we are trying to be different than who we really are. I discussed this in my previous video blog. But there are a few other masks that I would like this blog to focus on. 

Masked happiness frequently covers up our sadness, anxiety, fears, and/or hopelessness. This is when our outside appearance and demeanor suggest that we are feeling happy and that things are going well. On the inside, our feelings are something entirely different and opposite. Another mask is that of anger or irritation that might also cover the same type of thing as well as our insecurities. Anger is a defense mechanism that prevents people from getting inside and likewise happiness can be just a facade of protection. 

It's hard to show our true selves and let others see our weaknesses. How will they respond? Will it be positive? Will it be more hurtful? Some of us might have experiences that have given us a bad example to go off of, and others are just afraid of what responses might happen.

The best way to start taking off our masks? Starting to process your emotions that are underneath and that you are hiding from others. Whether that might be in therapy, or possibly with one support person whom you feel you can start developing a trusting relationship with. Never let these emotions go without some type of processing because building up over time can lead to other more severe mental health issues or break downs.

You can also help others by being that one trusting person. Be who you want others to be for you. By doing that then hopefully you can even create a mutually trusting relationship between you and someone else. Be kind, be open, and be a good listener. 

"Masks" - Unknown Author

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks, and none of them are me.
Don’t be fooled. For God’s sake don’t be fooled. 
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game.
And that I need no one. But don’t believe me. 
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in aloneness, in fear. That’s why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows,
but such a glance is precisely my salvation. 
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing and that I’m just no good, and that you will reject me. 
And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you. I tell you everything that’s really nothing and
nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. 
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying.
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and “me.”
But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand. 
Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grown wings, feeble wings, but wings. 
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
you alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. 
It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back
but I’m told that Love is stronger than strong walls,
and in this lies my only hope. 
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. 
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet, and I am you, also. 

When I was researching quotes for the last blog I ran into another one:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi 

This quote reminded me of a simple tool that everyone can use to try to experience more happiness or change negative emotions into positive emotions.

In the past I have explained a little bit about cognitive behavioral therapy. Here is a different explanation that will also help you to manage moods, thoughts and behaviors as well. Below is a visual explanation.


















On top is our thoughts. Those are typically that is most noticeable when trying to understand what is going on. Our thoughts are so powerful and create a filter that affects how we see everything and as a result, how we feel. On the bottom of the triangle is feelings and behaviors, which again, are affected by our thoughts as well. Everything is all related to one another 

To put it all together here is an example that everyone might be able to relate to. You walk into a room by yourself and see everyone congregating in the corner and talking. When you walk closer the conversation stops. Two options are possible - One: Most people often jump to the conclusion that "They are talking about me. They are saying negative things about me. They don't like me. I should leave." Those are the automatic negative thoughts that often happen. The resulting feelings can be inferior, alone, afraid, and worthless. The behavior that can result is you stand there and not participate in the conversation or you might even listen to yourself leave. 

The second possibility is you can change the automatic negative thoughts that are happening. Instead of thinking negatively you can think something like this "They want to include me in the conversation. They were waiting for me. I can just jump in to this conversation too. I am happy to be here." The feelings from these thoughts are the exact opposite of what happened with the negative thoughts - happiness, excitement, and joy. The behavior that happens is probably smiling, engaging with other people and being outgoing. 

We have absolutely no evidence to support any of our negative thoughts, so the best way to go will always be positive so you don't have to miss our on a perfectly good opportunity! 

The best part about the triangle is that it can be flipped. Any side can be on top and any of the three parts can be changed in order to change your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Relating this back to the quote - you really do need all of them to be aligned in order to feel true happiness and be able to change your whole being to be more positive.  

A recent article posted by Psych Central identifies bullying in teens leads directly to depression as a young adult. See full article here. Researchers attributed up to 30% of depression cases in young adults as researched at Oxford had a direct relation to bullying. 

Bullying is a hard topic to speak about. So far there is no "cure" for bullying. Often times the new "Zero Tolerance Policies" schools have now adopted still don't work as well as they should. How do we both stop and handle this rampant problem?

First understand, what is bullying exactly. Bullying can take the form of physical, verbal or relational repeated behaviors towards another person. Bullying consists of things such as name-calling, teasing, taunting, harassing, stealing, hazing, spreading rumors, excluding people or spreading lies. This can happen in person, or more recently online with cyber bullying. A lot of kids don't realize they are being a bully by doing some of these things and only relate physical aggression as bullying. 

Second, it is important to teach children and adolescents possible reasons why bullying occurs. Bullies themselves often bully other people because they might be jealous, they might gain more popularity, it makes them feel more powerful, they are being bullied or abused themselves, or they are trying to escape from their own problems. There is no excuse for bullying, but sometimes there is a bigger picture.

Third, the victims need to focus in on themselves. Victims should work on building up their self-esteem and appreciating themselves for who they are. Learn to not blame yourself and shoulder that responsibility. Victims never earn or deserve bullying. Victims also should learn appropriate coping skills to handle stress and bullying appropriately in the moment. Look at the big picture and understand what is happening and focus more on the positive to not let it affect internal thoughts and feelings.

So what is your ultimate task list? First of all, always get help. Nobody should have to deal with bullying. Find a teacher or older adult to stop it from happening in the moment. Get a plan in place to handle it. Other things that you could do are simply to walk away and don't show that it affects you. Most bullies will eventually get bored and stop if they do not get the reaction they want. And lastly, remember to use appropriate skills to handle what is going on and not ignore it so it does not ultimately lead to depression later in life. There is help out there, most people just need to find what works for them.

Other helpful references:

HelpGuide.Org
KidsHealth
StopBullying.Gov

This is a technique that is part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's something that takes practice, but can help people of all ages manage mental health symptoms and difficulties with problems such as depression, anxiety and self-harm.